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Goodbye Brother
This song was shared with me today by a band on myspace...WOW!
Lyrics for "GOODBYE BROTHER"
To watch your red balloon fly away Its such a disappointment Nothing to say, much like today Im hurting because of you, I saw you fly away Nothing I can change today
Chorus: Too bad you couldnt stay, didnt see you on your way Now theres no taking back or saying what I meant to say And now the only question is why, while the answer is denied The world looks so much different without your smile
Reality hit me hard today The past is gone away, hope Ill remember it And all those times we used to play Those memories of you and I when we were young Stir my heart alive and shadow the death that has become
Repeat Chorus
Ill preserve your life inside To mend your absence for the rest of my time I know you touched so many lives I finally see you in your true light I see all the things I failed to see before And the world looks different now
Repeat Chorus
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Visiting
I was in Prestonsburg this weekend and everytime I'm there I go and visit my brothers grave. This time was particularly hard...perhaps the hardest visit yet.
Thanks so much to my Bai Bai for going with me and watching Sydney while I took some time to sit and talk to him!!!
I took him flowers and as I laid them on his grave I thought...Ya know..I should really talk to him. So I began---"Hi Brother!".....and then I broke down.
You know..Its very easy to go up there and not really "Think" about things if other people are around..But to go up there and sit alone and really REALIZE that My brother is under there. That his actual physical being..the one I MISS so much is under that dirt...It's hard!
There has been a lot on my mind lately and I sat there and talked...I just talked..I told him everything I was feeling and it was as if he was sitting there listening...it was nice, but so lonely!
You know..I realized something else this weekend...
As you can see..my life is one big EPIPHANY after another! You know, since my brother died people only focus on the "GOOD" about him..and while I totally appreciate that..I realized this weekend..that I miss the good, sure...we all do..But dang it..I miss the bad too! I miss fighting with him when I thought he was wrong..I miss rolling my eyes at him when he did something stupid! I miss thinking he was stupid for getting more tatoos..I miss all those things that used to drive me crazy. So, essentially...while most people may be miss the "good" Shad! Me--his sister---I miss the "bad" Shad too!
I remember that he wasn't perfect...and I still miss him! I remember that he did stupid things, ALOT...and still...I MISS HIM! I remember that he screwed up, ALOT....and I miss that too! I remember that he made me roll my eyes...but I miss that! I remember that he made me cry sometimes...and I miss that. I remember that he mad me mad sometimes...and I miss having a brother around to be mad at!
So tonight, as I sit here, thinking of my weekend visit to my brothers gravesite, instead of visiting him like most people visit their brothers...I miss my imperfect, stupid, crazy, immature, mean, inconsiderate, incredibly awesome, thoughtful, loving, caring, BIG HEARTED brother like crazy!
and honestly, I think it SUCKS that he's gone and it SUCKS that I have to go buy him flowers to lay on his grave...It sucks REAL bad!
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What keeps me going?

So, you wanna know what keeps me going? My brother passed away a little over a year ago. You know, I think just today I realized more than anything what keeps me going. I watched a brother and sister today. They laughed, played and joked while playing in my parents pool. They weren't young kids, they were teenage kids. As I sat back and watched them playing together, I realized that is WHY I GO ON. Because my brother and I...we were best friends. Of course, during many times of our lives we fought and quarreled. But when the day was done...we were always best friends to the end. About 7 months before my brother died, he and I had gotten closer then we'd ever been. We talked on the phone at least 5 times a day..he even called me from work on his lunch break. :) I miss that! But I am so blessed to know that when he took his last breathe, if he could have spoken, he would have said it to, that I---his little sis---was his best friend! So, I go on for him...because he would want me to. Because if he could come down right now and say something to me, he'd say..."Sis, I'm ok" and that right there is enough for me to continue to smile and to continue to live my life. I do have one special thing that I do...at first it seemed a subconscious thing, but now I realize that I do it....But everyday I talk to him. If it's just a simple "Hi brother!" or a long conversation..I always talk to him. I either talk to a picture or talk to the sky or talk to a butterfly that passes by.
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Angels
Most people never have the opportunity to see "ANGELS", or simply do NOT look well enough to see them walking amongst US. This, however does not mean they do not EXIST...Me, I'm one of the lucky few, not only have I seen an Angel, I call him my "BROTHER"...

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If tomorrow starts without me...
IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME....  If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see, If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today, While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say. I know how much you love me…as much as I love you, And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too; But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand, And said my place was ready in heaven far above, And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do, It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday just even for a while, I’d say good-bye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized that this could never be, For emptiness and memories would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly thing I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven’s gates I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled & at me from His great golden throne, He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you.. Today your life on earth is past but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow but today will always last, And since each day’s the same way there’s no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free. So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me? “ So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.
 
An answer from above:
I said, God I hurt And God said, I know
I said, I cry alot And God said, That's why I gave you tears
I said, Life is so hard And God said, That's why I gave you loved ones
I said, But my loved one died!! And God said, So did mine!!
I said, It's such a great loss!! And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross!!
I said, But your loved one lives!! And God said, So does yours!!
I said, Where is he now?? And God said, My Son is by my side and Your Brother is in my arms!!
-author unknown
IN LOVING MEMORY
God looked around his garden, And saw an empty space. Then he looked down here on earth, And saw your loving face.
He put his arms around you, And lifted you to rest. His garden must beautiful, Because he only picks the best.
A million times we'll miss you, A million times we'll cry. If love could have saved you, You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly, In death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a special place, No one could ever fill.
It broke our hearts to loose you, But you did not go alone, For part of us went with you, The day God took you home.
~ Author Unknown ~
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