Hey baby I have been thinking of you so much lately. I have been in counseling with a women that is helping me so much. I have been so worried about Savanna lately. Things are not so good at home for her right now and I feel so helpless. I can't do anything about it. Dad and I would love to just have her here with us all the time. We want to put her in school here and put in some extra things that she wants to do. I know that we just have to be patience. That is just so hard when we know that it is something that may never happen. She is such a wonderful kid and I know that she will go far and just like your Dad said she will get to the point in her life when she will just say No I am not going to do this anymore I am going to Dee and Papa's and I am going to do what is right for me and I am going to go far in my life. I am going to get a wonderful education and have a job and I am NOT going to live on welfare. I refuse to believe that she will be like her mother that she will continue to live like they all do there. She is better than that.. Shad it breaks my heart to think that she will not be able to get out of there. I don't know what else to do than what I am doing. I am going to her school and meeting with her teachers and telling them all that I can about her living situations. That is all that I can do. I don't want to rock the boat and cause her mother to not let us not see her at all that would put me down for sure I know that it would. I love her so much and want the very best for her. That is all. It is like if I can care for her and make sure she has it all that I can make up for all I did to let you down in your life. I always felt like I let you down because I didn't help you do better in school and I didn't push you to make you have a better self esteem. I think you would not have gone the road you went if I had done better as a mother than I did. I feel alot of guilt for the things that you did in your life. I know that is probably not something that I could change but it is something on my mind and I need to get it off. You were a wonderful person and I loved you so much and I think that if I had tried harder to keep you in your place that maybe just maybe you might still be here. If I had been more stict about stopping the drug stuff maybe your pancreaus might have been healthy and you could have raised Savanna and still be the rock she needs. Oh my Gosh is it all my fault. Lord have mercy. Was I that bad of a mother. Do I need to feel this much guilt. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to pray for forgiveness. Or maybe I did all I could and you were just that stubborn. I think I need to not blame myself. I don't need to make myself the bad person because that is what would make me depressed and that is what we don't want us to do. I love you son and I just want you to stay close to me. I am going to be writing you alot now. You are the best counselor I have or should I say listener. I will write again soon I love you Momma
Dear Mom and Sarah, Remember that I am always near to you and my precious family, leaving signs of my love, peace and strength for you all xxx
I thought you would like these song lyrics Lost by Michael Buble. I had it playing on James' site for a while, and believe our Angels wrote it for us xxx
"Lost"
I can't believe it's over I watched the whole thing fall And I never saw the writing that was on the wall If I'd only knew The days were slipping past That the good things never last That you were crying
Summer turned to winter And the snow it turned to rain And the rain turned into tears upon your face I hardly recognized the girl you are today And god I hope it's not too late It's not too late 'Cause you are not alone I'm always there with you And we'll get lost together Till the light comes pouring through 'Cause when you feel like you're done And the darkness has won Babe, you're not lost When your worlds crashing down And you can't bear the thought I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy It can tear your soul apart It can make you feel like you've gone crazy But you're not Things have seem to changed There's one thing that's still the same In my heart you have remained And we can fly fly fly away
'Cause you are not alone And I am there with you And we'll get lost together Till the light comes pouring through 'Cause when you feel like you're done And the darkness has won Babe, you're not lost When the worlds crashing down And you can not bear the cross I said, baby, you're not lost I said, baby, you're not lost I said, baby, you're not lost I said, baby, you're not lost
Tomorrow is your birthday / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shad )
Hey buddy. Tomorrow is your 32nd birthday. I can't believe that if you had lived that you would have been 32. It just seems like yesterday that Dad and I were awaiting the birth of our first born child. We didn't know what you were but we were so excited just to have you. Then you were born and you brought so much happiness to our lives. You lived such a troubled life and it makes me so sad sometime to think of that especially when I read thimgs that you wrote to me. You always wanted to be a better person and a better son and I want you to know that no matter what went on in your life you were mine and Dad's wonderful son and we loved you so very much. Today and during the last two weeks Dad and I have been moving out of the house on Royalty Dr. Today Dad found a note you had written me and he cried so very hard. I think sometimes Shad that he feels like he did not get to tell to that he was sorry for getting so mad at you sometime during your wilder days. That was the hardest thing for him to get through after you went into a coma. He spent a lot of time crying and telling me,"Helen, I never did hate him. I should have never told him that. I love him more than he will ever know." I would always say to him that you knew that he loved you and that any time that he said that to you that you had just donr something to make him so mad that he would say stuff that he did not mean at all. That still bothers him. Shad give him a comforting feeling from you that he will know that you know just how much he loved you and that you loved him in return just as much. Tomorrow we will be sending 10 balloons up to you for your birthday. I know you don't really get them but it is something that we do on your Angel Day and on your Birthday. I helps us to remember you and how much we love you and miss you. Gosh we miss you more than you could ever imagine even though you are the lucky one that never has to worry about anything ever again. In heaven forever with all the people that went before you and loved you so. Last night on Ghostwhispers when one of the dead went to the light he saw his Mom and Dad. I can't wait to touch your face and get one of those great hugs that you gave so freely. You are remembered by so many people for so many reasons and all of them are great reasons. I love you son you are my Butterfly. Happy Birthday. Know that your Dad and I love you and that you are in our hearts always. Momma. Close
For Your Angelversary Shad / Denise Kneale (angel friends )
Thinking of you Shad on your Angelversary. Please stay close to your precious family, leaving them signs of your love, peace and strength so they may feel your Love and Peace.
TO MY FRIEND / SHAWN JOHNSON (FRIEND)
HEY SHAD,I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY HERE,OTHER THAN TO TELL YOU HOW GREATLY YOU ARE MISSED,BUT SOMEHOW I THINK YOU KNOW.I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SOME OF THE STUPID STUFF WE USED TO DO,STUFF WE HAD NO REASON DOING BECAUSE WE WERE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR BECAUSE IT WAS ILLEGAL,BUT I WON'T GO INTO THAT,BUT WE DID HAVE SOME REALLY GOOD TIMES,I SHARED THE STORY WITH YOUR MOM THIS TIME LAST YEAR ABOUT THE TIME IN TOWN WHEN WE WAS HAVING THAT DRIVE-BY WATER FIGHT,AND I THREW THE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR AT YOUR TRUCK AND MISSED AND HIT MAYOR FANNIN'S CAR,I HOPE SHE GOT AS BIG A LAUGH OUT OF THAT AS WE DID.WELL DUDE,I'M GONNA GO,I JUST WANTED TO STOP AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE MISS AND LOVE YOU,YOU WAS AND STILL ARE A GREAT PAL!! Close
For your angel date dear Shadrick / Jo-Ann Pacenta Mom Of Angel Lauren (Connected by angels )Read >>
For your angel date dear Shadrick / Jo-Ann Pacenta Mom Of Angel Lauren (Connected by angels ) Close
Beautiful/Just beautiful / Donna Mother Of Christina Ann Valle Read >>
Beautiful/Just beautiful / Donna Mother Of Christina Ann Valle I am so sorry for the loss of Shadrick. My prayers go out to his family and his friends who loved him dearly. I also want to mention about the story that Shadrick"s sister wrote. It was so beautiful. I love the the part about the butterflies. I also love the butterflies. If you go to my daughters site Christina Valle you will see my story. May you know that I feel your pain and know that you and your family take the time to grieve, because there is no certain time to stop grieving. I only know you from the story that I read. But somehow I can feel a connection. Maybe because I not only lost my beautiful daughter. But I also lost my sister and I thought my world would never be right again. May the Lord comfort you with family and friends. And also know that I am here also. Love to you and your family.Close
Thinking of you / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shad )Read >>
Thinking of you / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shad )
Well I just wanted to tell you that your sister is having another girl baby. Shelby Grace. We are so excited. Also I have been getting your boys and keeping them for a couple of days at a time and they are so wonderful and fun. Sarah and I try to do something fun with them when they come. They love you Dad so much.. Aiden is having a hard time understanding that your dad is his papa. He calls Chuck his real Papa and that is it you cannot argue with him. That is when your dad and I decided that we have to get them more so that they will know who we are. I am so sorry that this happened but it was hard for us to get them because they were so young, now they are so easy to take care of and so much fun. Seth and Sydney love for them to come and play. I want them to be close and I will see to it that they are. I talked to Aunt Debbie last night and she said that she talks to you some and I told her that I could not imaging you and Aunt Pat in heaven together and how awsome that would be but someday we will know. I am doing so good. I am not depressed anymore and you would be so proud of me. I decided that I had to get on with my life and to just make sure that I get to heaven to see you. I look forward to that day but it will be in God's time and I won't make the choice of when it is. I miss you everyday and I know that is ok, but I also know that you would not come back here if you could. You enjoy heaven baby because you worked hard to get there. I love you so much and I know you are near. Momma
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shadrick )
I love you son and miss you alot. I am doing great and know that I have to wait until my time to see you. I have hurt my family so much this passed year and I am going to go on with my life and be happy and enjoy the time that God is giving me here on earth I love you and love you and am so thankful that you left me three wonderful children to love. Your baby boy will be four years old on Wed and that I can't believe. He is so grown up. We had christmas with them the week before christmas and then stayed home for christmas and Sarah and Shawn and the kids brought Savanna here and she is going home tomorrow. She has been good this week. She is going to be 10 years old this year hard to believe. I know that you had a great christmas this year with all the family that is there with you. Happy New Year and know that I love you and will see you when I get there. Momma Close
Aunt Pat is with you now / Helen Vickers (mother of Shad )
I am so happy to know that you and your sweet Aunt Pat are together now. You, Grandmother and Papaw met her at the gates of heaven I am so sure. I love you baby boy and miss you so much. Stay close to your Dad during this time of Loss. Momma Close
Miss you every day / Helen Vickers (mother to Shad )
Hey son. I think of you always and just still can't believe that you are gone.. I sometimes just think that it is a dream and that you will come home soon. You are such a special person and I feel so blessed that God allowed me to have you for the 28 years that he did. Most parents out live their children and don't have to have the pain that I have. But there are also people that don't have the chance to even have one child. I miss you so bad but I am so thankful that I was blessed with three wonderful grandchildren that you gave me. I look into their eyes and see you and that makes life worth living. Dad and I are in Flordia on business and I have had some time to think and I have decided that I am going to listen to God and let him help me know what to do with my life from here on. I want to not work and be able to help Tiffany with the boys. I want to be able to get them and keep them and get to know them better. I love you and will write to you later Momma Close
Missing you so very much / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shad )
Shad please be with us close right now. Your dad and I are having some really bad finanial problems and also I have had to take off work for the rest of the year and that just makes things more complicated. Please know that I love you and think of you each and every day and miss you so. Savanna is doing very good in school and I am so proud of her. She is a firecracker. The boys are good also. I don't see them as often as I would like but it is nobodies fault. I love them very much and miss them so. Please stay close to me and let me feel you. I love you Momma Close
Seth is 5 today / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shadrick )
How time goes by so fast. Shad, Seth still takes about you all the time. He is into wrestling now and he knows that you liked it so that makes him very happy. Yesterday we went to the mall and we were shopping at Macy's and they had a shirt that had a small skateboard with it. Seth go so excited, so I bought him one. He told me that I was the best Dee in the world. Shad he is growing up so fast and you would just love the way that he is doing. He loves all the things that you loved when you were a little boy. Spiderman, Superman, wrestling, sports and eating. He reminds me of you so much. Sarah is going to have his party and Savanna, Aiden and Robbie are coming. I am trying to spend more time with the boys and it makes me so happy. Savanna is doing better in school. Wednesday she starts counseling and I pray that it will help her to deal with lossing you. He is just having some threats of wanting to die and come and be with you. I understand that but at the same time it scares me. Just be with her and keep her safe. Dad and I are still wanting to sell the house but it seems that people just aren't buying right now. I am just trying to have a good feeling about it and just let the Lord take care of it.. I miss you so much and think of you everyday and wish so much that you were here and then I remember that you are in the best place in the world and that you are always going to be safe. I will see you when I get there. Momma Close
I miss you so much / Helen Vickers (mother of Shad )
Savanna is here and she is so great. I feel like you are right here with me when I have your children around. I wish that you would come to me in your own special way. I miss your hugs and the conversations that we use to have. I talked to Tiffany today and she got a job at Reno's. Be close to her Shad she misses you so much and loves you to the intermost part of her soul and always will. She loves to work and get out of the house. Please stay very close to her. I love you Momma Close
Hey baby today is Sydney's birthday / Helen Vickers (mother of Shad )
I am so excited today. I am getting the boys and Savanna today. I can't wait. We are going to Seth's soccer game in the morning and then to Sydney's birthday tomorrow evening. I wish you were here but I know that you will be here in spirit. I always start to miss you so much at this time of the year. You and I always loved the fall and winter seasons. I hope that you will be here with me close for the next few months. I love you and miss you so much. I will see you when I get there. Momma Close
Sept 18th is my birthday and I am missing you so much / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shadrick )Read >>
Sept 18th is my birthday and I am missing you so much / Helen Vickers (Mother of Shadrick )
Is it crazy that I miss you so on my birthday. I thought of you and could not sleep on Thursday and I had to go into work late. I hope that you will come to me as close as you can on the 18th. I wish that you come just come and that I could see you and talk to you for my birthday. That would be so awesome. I am just so worried about selling our house. We have not even had one bite and that scares me. I need to get rid of this place because it makes my hip and back hurt to climb all of the stairs in this place. Shad please help me to be patient and tell God that all I want is for a family to come and buy this place that can have as much fun as we did in here and to make the memories as we did. I love you and miss you more that I can bear sometimes. Please be near me. I will see you when I get there. Momma Close
I love you / Helen Vickers (mother of Shadrick )
I am so sad tonight. The friend of mine that made your and Tiffany's wedding cake passed away. Please tell her that I love her. She left behind 3 girls and her husband. It makes me so sad. She was a great person. I know that you remember her. I miss you so much and wish that you could just talk to me sometime in my dreams. Everyday that I am outside I see a butterfly and well you know that I think of you. The house is for sell and I need to know that you are there to send the right person to buy the house because that we made so many memories there with you and Bonnie and Savanna and also Tiffany and Aiden. I know that somewhere out there, there is some family like ours that will come and want to buy it. Savanna got on the Academic team in her grade. I am so proud of her. I told her that you were proud of her and I know that you are. Seth misses you so much. He has put pictures of you beside of his bed. He is worried that he doesn't remember what you look like and that makes him sad. Please be with him. He is so sensitive you know. I love you so much. I got a knew tattoo and it is so beautiful. Joe Moore, Robbie's brother, did it and it is great. I know that you can''t believe that I got a tattoo. I now have two. Yes your mother has two tattoos and if you were still alive I would let you put more on me. I regret so much not letting you put my first one on me for my 50th birthday. I feel like this one that Joe did is so special to me and makes me feel like you are truly with me. I love you son and will see you when I get there. Momma Close
Butterflies/ Helen Vickers (mother of Shadrick )
I just need to tell you that I have seen so many butterflies lately. Seth learned how to ride his bike without training wheels and it seemed that you were there watching him. There was a yellow butterfly that stayed in front of the front porch the entire time he was riding. Oh and also Seth is having a terrible time missing you and worries that he can't remember what you looked like. It makes him so sad. Please stay close to him and help him to know that you are near to him. Savanna started 3 grade yesterday. Please stay near her and help her to stay focused. Do you remember when your dad use to tell you to STAY FOCUSED. I found the sign that he made for either you or himself I don't remember but I know that he always wanted both you and Sarah to stay focused. Dad and I are getting ready to sell the house here on Royalty Dr. Please put in a good word to whoever that we can sell it fast. We need to get out of this big house and get one that we can take care of and that is not as financially hard. I love you son and I wish that you would come to me in a spirit that I can see or hear you. I love you and will see you when I get there. Please also be with your Dad he is so unhappy with his job and is worried about our finances and miss you so much that he is having a very hard time. You know that he doesn't talk about stuff like he should and sometimes I worry about him so much. I love you my butterfly. I see you everyday in all colors. Until later Momma Close
Tributes and Condolences
